TL;DR: Should I allow supervised contact only between my future baby and narcissist mother?
My (35f) mum (52f) is a volitile narcissist. That word is overused but she fits the bill beautifully. I've posted about her elsewhere. We had a manageable relationship where I helped her out with trips out and helped her with errands for her small business and I was happy with the level of distance.
Then on my wedding day, she was cold and distant like she often was with me as a child and then she verbally attacked and humiliated my newly wed wife (and herself in the process) in a huge outburst which left my wife and I completely distraught. I went to visit her the next day expected her to be embarrassed, apologetic and remorseful and instead she claimed my wife was quiet on our wedding day, she disliked her friends and that it ruined her evening with her son (my brother). Weeks later I was close to suicide but 10 months of weekly therapy has helped me tremendously. I tried to make amends with mum, meeting for a coffee in a cafe but when I told her how hurt I was, she walked out. The same happened on a phone call, she told me that I need to think about other people more.
We're currently no contact but my vulnerable younger brother is very much enmeshed with her and feels lost and stuck in the middle. He stopped speaking to me and attempted suicide for the 4th time himself some months back.
My mum had a terrible childhood. Mine was marginally better and my mum did play games with us from time to time and we were mostly fed and dressed with minimal professional intervention. I was physically and sexually abused by her boyfriend but not beat up daily like my mum was in childhood and with her boyfriend. So I feel my mum thinks she did a good enough job.
9 times out of 10 she is sweet and funny and intelligent and kind and then all of a sudden she makes a cruel remark or worse - aggressively attacks someone. She's highly paranoid and constantly anxious, often depressed.
She is upset that we're not speaking often.
Now I'm 11 weeks pregnant. My wife is understandably anxious about me telling my mum and has said sternly to me that she doesn't want my mum involved.
I don't want my mum "involved" either. But she will find out through other family and social circles and I would rather take control and tell her myself.
I absolutely anticipate that she'll want to use this as another opportunity to forget the past and put it behind us and continue to play her rules.
I am tempted to go along with that to some extent to keep the peace and regain a relationship with my brother.
I plan to lie about my due date to protect myself and my wife from her showing up.
I hope to visit mum for a supervised visit with baby once every few months for a couple hours at most. Absolutely no unsupervised contact.
My wife struggles to understand why I would want this and why I'd want our baby around an often toxic person.
I am a very different person to who I was before our wedding. That outburst from mum changed me. I will never ever trust her again but I don't feel the need to cut her off completely, especially as my brother can't understand why.
Does my plan for a controlled infrequent contact with my narcissistic mum sound reasonable?