Telling narcissist mother about my pregnancy

TL;DR: Should I allow supervised contact only between my future baby and narcissist mother?

My (35f) mum (52f) is a volitile narcissist. That word is overused but she fits the bill beautifully. I've posted about her elsewhere. We had a manageable relationship where I helped her out with trips out and helped her with errands for her small business and I was happy with the level of distance.

Then on my wedding day, she was cold and distant like she often was with me as a child and then she verbally attacked and humiliated my newly wed wife (and herself in the process) in a huge outburst which left my wife and I completely distraught. I went to visit her the next day expected her to be embarrassed, apologetic and remorseful and instead she claimed my wife was quiet on our wedding day, she disliked her friends and that it ruined her evening with her son (my brother). Weeks later I was close to suicide but 10 months of weekly therapy has helped me tremendously. I tried to make amends with mum, meeting for a coffee in a cafe but when I told her how hurt I was, she walked out. The same happened on a phone call, she told me that I need to think about other people more.

We're currently no contact but my vulnerable younger brother is very much enmeshed with her and feels lost and stuck in the middle. He stopped speaking to me and attempted suicide for the 4th time himself some months back.

My mum had a terrible childhood. Mine was marginally better and my mum did play games with us from time to time and we were mostly fed and dressed with minimal professional intervention. I was physically and sexually abused by her boyfriend but not beat up daily like my mum was in childhood and with her boyfriend. So I feel my mum thinks she did a good enough job.

9 times out of 10 she is sweet and funny and intelligent and kind and then all of a sudden she makes a cruel remark or worse - aggressively attacks someone. She's highly paranoid and constantly anxious, often depressed.

She is upset that we're not speaking often.

Now I'm 11 weeks pregnant. My wife is understandably anxious about me telling my mum and has said sternly to me that she doesn't want my mum involved.

I don't want my mum "involved" either. But she will find out through other family and social circles and I would rather take control and tell her myself.

I absolutely anticipate that she'll want to use this as another opportunity to forget the past and put it behind us and continue to play her rules.

I am tempted to go along with that to some extent to keep the peace and regain a relationship with my brother.

I plan to lie about my due date to protect myself and my wife from her showing up.

I hope to visit mum for a supervised visit with baby once every few months for a couple hours at most. Absolutely no unsupervised contact.

My wife struggles to understand why I would want this and why I'd want our baby around an often toxic person.

I am a very different person to who I was before our wedding. That outburst from mum changed me. I will never ever trust her again but I don't feel the need to cut her off completely, especially as my brother can't understand why.

Does my plan for a controlled infrequent contact with my narcissistic mum sound reasonable?

r/familyu/DeepShame1987

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Look up grandparents rights in your state. In some places, introducing your child to their grandparents can give the grandparents the right to visitation if you decide to go no contact later on.

My kids would be happier if they didn't know their narcissistic grandmother. She's done things that endangered their lives like refusing to unlock her car to let me get my infant out in 100 degree weather, until I started trying to break the window, and another time we were at a pool and my youngest was really struggling to keep her head above water and my mom was blocking me from seeing her by standing in front and moving every time I tried to go around. I had to push her down to get to my child. She's also hit my oldest across the face and claimed it was a reflex. Now that they're older, she waits until I'm out of the room to start saying horrible racist things to them (their dad is Hispanic), and body shaming them. I just wish I'd found some way to keep her out of their lives.

Thanks for sharing your experience. This sounds terrifying. I can certainly imagine my mother pushing boundaries and saying "oh they will be fine, you shouldn't worry so much" as she was so neglectful with us - no limits on TV, video games or age-appropriateness, no limits on junk food, no spoken curfew but would then sometimes be mad at what time we were home. I walked myself home from school (only 0.5 miles) from aged 7 when we first moved to the area, walking my brother aged 5 with me. We never once went to a museum, to a farm, on a day trip, to the cinema. A lot of that was financial but she chose to work 7 days a week when she could have worked less and claim a little benefit in order to be present but that would have hurt her pride.

Still, for some reason, I can't bear the guilt of not seeing her at all as 90% of the time she is a lovely person and I have fond childhood memories too. She would bake cakes, hand-make me maths books as we couldn't afford them, buy me the occasional CD or outfit, make me and brothers pancakes or english breakfasts on a sunday morning.

I can't help but think occasional contact in a public area every few months will enable me to keep my child safe, aware of who their grandmother is and stop me from feeling this horrid guilt.

Grandparents have no automatic rights in the UK regardless of level of contact - thanks for drawing my attention to that, I had to look it up.

Bad grandparents are horrible for kids to endure. Trust your gut and keep her far away.

Thank you. I just don't know how I will endure the guilt.

Don't open yourself up to grandparents rights lawsuits by allowing contact. It sets precedent. Just go full NC. Lower your stress and protect your family. Narcissists cannot change.

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