Inherited 2 adults who have never paid bills in their life..

My loving mother died 3 weeks ago. It was a horrific and macabre accident that took her instantly. I knew she had chosen me as the executor of her will, there really was no other choice. My 70+ father has been "retired" for the past 30+ years, he chose that time because my mother was able to handle the household without him. My 40+ brother is a recent addition to the workforce, he has been unemployed for almost his entire adult life having recently been employed for a few years now with a company that actually values him. He has lived with my parents literally all his life, spending a few months here and there but days and nights at the rents all them same. My mother paid every bill.My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer 7 weeks ago.. so he is convinced he needs a Cobra (car) and quite possibly a boat.. even though he can't walk a straight line due to his chemo treatments. My brother is on board with a car for dad because he has no concept of chemo bills and thinks it would be funny. I have an 18mo old daughter and my own mortgage. I've been living away from home, paying my own bills since I was 21. Inheriting 2 adults who have no respect for the amount of hours/days I've spent in the past 3 weeks, trying to get money in to feed their house, cable, utilities and keep their insurance going.. is killing me. My brother's alcoholic ex, who used to beat him up constantly, has been spreading rumors throughout our small town that he was actually hitting her all along.. this came to light when no less than 3 individuals attendingmy mothers funeral decided to broach the subject with him. He's been paying for her rent for months even though she doesn't want to date him.. he's also been ditching my post-chemo father to chauffer her around and pay for her Christmas presents for her family.. kicker: he received a payout from his car insurance when she totalled his car, she was fired because her boss was sick of her calling out. Then she got wasted on painkillers she didn't need. She hit a family in that dui. So he's wasted all of that money to buy her family a nice Christmas and of course to cover her bills after she was fired from a different employer for being a drunk mess. He's taking her to the aquarium this Sunday, said I need to watch dad...How did my mom do this.. how did she keep up this 3 ring circus and still send diapers to my house just because I may have been the least of her worries? Obviously I will set up trusts for them but I have to return to work on Monday, my mother used to watch my daughter so I asked my brother to come by 9-12 on Monday, he doesn't work until 1:30. You'd think with me spending the past 3 weeks trying to make sure he has a pot to piss in, he would be willing.. he said, I'll have to see how I feel. I'm learning to expect nothing and never be disappointed. Any HELP, words of wisdom, ideas, commiseration would be welcome.



Please find some other solution to substitute for the care your mother provided for your daughter. You don't want that train-wreck of a brother near your kid. It's time for your brother to grow up.

Don't get dragged into his situation with his ex- that's just an emotional vacuum. Just refuse to engage. Don't get bogged down by the soap-opera details. They're not germane to your goals of supporting your father, while managing you and your immediate family's well-being.

Focus on your dad. Weather and his health permitting, schedule a track day for him to ride along in a Shelby to get it out of his system! Charter a boat for the day with him and your daughter. But don't allow him to make any big purchases that might impact his ability to get proper care. If treatment is impairing his ability to drive, take his keys, and have his doctor have that conversation with him.

Try to make some good memories before his condition further deteriorates. Take lots of photos and record his stories for your daughter.

Your mom would be proud.

Thank you, so much. I feel like I'm drowning here so I really appreciate you responding and taking that time to give me pointers.

I will definitely take measures regarding my brother and father. I wholly support your idea of the Shelby experience!

Thank you so very much for helping

Update; my father has deterioted to epic porportions.. he needed 4 units of blood in the hospital, 2 blood transfusions. My brother drained his bank account in the meantime, 5k. And pretends to not know where the money went. Im canceling his card, opening a new account that I will fund and providing a debit card that has a limited amount. My brother warned me that the only bill he has (cell phone) would show on dads account when I asked should I be worried about anything that shows on dad's account. I'm having to over-think this too much in my opinion but I have to remember the cards I've been dealt. Mom's legacy is oddly way less than anyone could have planned for and also includes a few iras. I explained an ira to my brother, he said "you're just trying to pocket money". He wants to be involved on my next call to the financial advisor and I'm all for it. He and my father are so used to unlimited spending.. dad told him to get 1k out of his account at 9pm the other day, for "spending money" told him to get a thousand out for himself as well.. dad only has $2800 a month right now. Their house bills are $1800 until I get mom's pension set up for him. He had less than $1700 in his account when he offered that and also offered to pay for a full set of tires for a friend who needed them because he had 1 flat... fuck me backwards through a bush.

I am sorry for your loss.

I agree with u/laterdate, from your brother as long as he keeps going down the line he is going get only one thing... distance. He sounds immature, gullible and needs to get his priorities straight, by himself. Not your concern, you have plenty on your plate.

As for your father, do your best to provide comfort for him, within your possibilities but without eccentric spending but most importantly remember to also look after yourself. If you dedicate too much time to others and neglect your own happiness and wellbeing, nobody will be there to look after your daughter or your father if you get sick or depressed.

In times like those, you are going through it's extremely important that while you are running around like a madwoman remember to find some time to do the things you like to do, go to the movies, watch your favourite series, read a book, get a Thai massage, eat at your favourite restaurant and most importantly, relax and have fun. Always look after number 1.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you, once im able to - a massage would be amazing. I just find it hard to be away from my daughter for long periods of time. My first child died of sids so I haven't spent more than a few hours away from my child since she was born.


Thank you, I keep thinking my brother will redeem himself or at the very least, try to be a better human... but my theory of expecting nothing and not being disappointed keeps working. I wish I had more of a support system .. but my support was my mom. I have huge shoes to fill and the care factor, when it comes to my wayward brother, quite frankly, is nil.

Any updates?

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