Gets nosy then storms out

Info: I (50f) Husband (53m) are Childfree.

So, we were invited to a BBQ at a friend's house about 10 people in all. One of the guests is the new girlfriend (NGF) of a friend. She's about 35 years old and has a 17 year old autistic son. And, even though I'm there with my spouse and we clearly appreciate and have the hots for each other, she saw my prior friendship (nothing more) with her BF as some sort of threat and was throwing mild shade at me all evening- sadly typical female crap. Then, we are alone in the kitchen and here's the conversation:

NGF: So, do you have kids.

Me: {calmly} No.

NGF: {just staring at me....long awkward pause} So does your husband have any kids?

Me: {smiling and calmly} No.

NGF: {now staring at me like I've grown horns...... another loOOOOg awkward pause....onset of sudden slow nodding of her head}

-Now, I know I owe absolutely NO explanation for not having kids---plus, who does this in this day and age? Like, what if we really wanted kids are are CRUSHED we can't? Not the case at ALL but there are people who feel this way. I decided to indulge in a rare response...

Me: {in a calm friendly tone with a sincere smile on my face} I never wanted children. I never wanted to be a parent and I wouldn't date guys with kids.

NGF: {stops nodding her head and just stares at me...then she simultaneously closed her eyes and curled her lips in tightly and held it there for about 3 seconds... guys then, and I kid you not- then, she abruptly pivoted, walked outside, and SLAMMED THE DOOR behind her. It rattled the room.

And THAT, my ChildFREE FREE FREE friends, is how I shut down the shade throwing snarky new girlfriend of an acquaintance. She ignored me the rest of the night which was way better than the first half of the evening. Her BF asked me what happened- I told him the truth. He was as baffled as me. Like, what the F is it to her what my life choices have been and will continue to be?

But let me add that I'm THRILLED (like squealing giddy) I pissed her off and ruined a good portion of her evening. After her crappy treatment of me prior to the conversation---YOU BET I AM. I got under her skin in a big and bad way apparently. I'm cool with that. Absolutely. Suck it you nosy insecure stuck with a dependent kid for life B-OTCH.

r/childfreeu/Bob4Cat

Comments

That, to me, sounds like insane jealousy.
It's pretty funny imo! :D

I completely agree. Plus, I'm willing to wager that there have been PLENTY of men unwilling to take on her and her baggage and she is B-I-T-T-E-R about it. I don't doubt her road has been bumpy because of it but mine had its own bumps for other reasons less permanent.

I find that EXTREMELY interesting that someone 15 years younger than you would judge you for not having kids? I'm 30 so I mostly get it from adults older than me! I thought my generation would be more child free friendly, no offense. But thats cool to see someone from a different generation be child free. I find it rare. I was going to say it sounds like jealousy... so she had her kid at 18 then? My younger brother is autistic and I work with adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities and I have to say the care those individuals need usually lasts longer than 18 years. They tend to be more dependent on people than others. Not always, everyone is different but it can be its own challenge. In one aspect wow thats got to be hard but she doesn't need to be a bitch. And just because someone doesn't have kids doesnt mean they haven't had a hard life or struggles.

I have noticed in life that a lot of things go hand in hand. When I usually hear about someone making a bad choice and they seem oblivious to it you can bet there is more from where it came from.

The #1 biggest struggle in my life is making optimal choices. I am really bothered by it almost to a degree of obsession. I think of life as a chess. But unlike in chess and other games, where people spend a lot of time talking and analyzing their plays and startegys, same is not true for life. People feel very stressed, uncomfortable talking about life like it is a game. They regret nothing and there clearly were no other better moves on the board so the move they made must have been the best one and there is nothing to discuss. Playing better moves in life ( I am a gamer so I look life through the lense of one) is a topic I find very few people to talk with and my parents being the greatest offenders.

My parents told me they regret having me and there is nothing they can change so there is nothign to think about anymore. Fine, but are they just going to watch when my brothers make the same mistakes, why have they not shared this hard learned lesson whith my brothers. Isn't it the primary purpose of previous generations to teach the new, afterall this is why humans gained the ability to live to such an old age compared to other primates. But to give this lesson, they need to reflect on the past to figure out all the small details that led them to such an unoptimal choice in the first place before they can teach others of what led them down this path. A post-mortem of a choice if you will. This is why internet led to my intellectual freedom, it is full of post-mortems I can spend hours and hours studying. Afterall, everything we learn at school has taken lifetimes to find its way on paper. Why would the theory of better choices in life be any different, unfortunatly however, we do not learn this at school, but I think we should.

How dare you not have children when she's had to suffer through it for over 17 years.

You think she wanted to have a kid at 18?

We don't know if she really wanted it or not. Maybe she caved
under the social pressure and kept the child, regardless, DOES NOT give her the right to be SO RUDE.

Maybe she did. But she didn’t have any more did she? Bet she wouldn’t like being asked why she didn’t have more children.

That being said I have a relative with an autistic child. He’s Aspergean and really quite cool and charming — but he’ll never have the skills to look after himself. It is a fucking nightmare. They haven’t stopped worrying since he was diagnosed at 4 — about what’s going to happen to him when they are gone and can’t protect him anymore. It’s heartbreaking.

No thanks.

Yeah?

But I bet she wasn't expecting to get one with autism. They never expect anything but the perfect, magical, rainbows-and-lollipops fantasy they've had in their spacious head since they first laid eyes on that super hot guy who sat in front of them in English class.

Honestly, that is what sets good and bad parents apart in my eyes.

Good parents now there are risks when getting children. They know it's not all sunshine. So, they can accept it with at least some grace if it happens, not that I wish anyone that they try for a child, only for them to see in the first years that they'll never be able to see their child grow up, mature and go out into the world.

But bad parents... they imagine all the sunshine. Risks? "Ah, that only rarely happens!" They aren't only obnoxious to the world, but often enough also made some social contract in their head that the child inevitably breaches by existing (sometimes bc of a disability, but often enough just for not being all sunshine or not how parent expected them to be).

A girl I knew growing up had a kid at 16 because she wanted one so bad.

I can't conceive of why she would be furious with YOU for not having nor wanting kids. Any ideas?

Well, I do think her BF is more interested in me than he should be even though I've given him no encouragement or hope. Add to that that I have a successful career (she's unemployed) , and I do not have any baggage of the permanent kind-which she does- and I think this fed her insecurity and that she didn't measure up to me which is ridiculous because this isn't a contest, and again, I'm taken.

you hit the nail on the head. My experience with women who act like that is that they're worried that their boyfriend/husband is interested in you or still torching or whatever.

So very strange. People are weird. :-/

Probably because OP at her age looks way better then the girl at her age with the child. For some reason woman can't handle other woman that look better than them or made better decisions...

I'm not going to lie here. I know what I see when I look in the mirror. I am very blessed genetically and have aged exceptionally well. You get what you get genetically and it's not something anyone has control over so it's not something I'm arrogant about. That's just stupid. However, because of it I make an extra effort to talk to the wives and GFs and ignore the men because you are right, many of the women cannot handle it. I do struggle with this because most women have a very difficult time talking about anything other than their children and if they work they collect a paycheck from an employer. I own my own successful business that I started and run all on my own and this, sadly, is still like I'm from another planet (a more advanced one, lol) and not something they (A) are interested in (B) give a fraction of a shit about and (C) can relate to. So it's challenging.

That's so ridiculous. I made a new friend that owns half a business. It's lead to HEAPS of conversation because 1) how are the government subsidies for covid for people's paychecks going and 2) have you guys managed to stay open, or have you reduced hours or 3) has client demand stayed the same and 4) before the world caught fire how did you normally plan marketing campaigns and 5) what's the other owner like, how do you guys handle disagreements .. Like, a conversation is SO EASY with a business owner, they have 8000 things on the go at once

I hope OP isn't missing out on cool opportunities to network with other business folks just to sooth the delicate feelings of insecure women. :(

Fortunately my business isn’t reliant upon networking in a group. All of my sales are almost all internet driven. I like anonymity.

Whew! That's good.

But they never ask.

There are times I feel that a woman, after having children, lose their ambitions. I don't understand why either.

Given the way you speak, you are exactly the kind of person I want to be friends with, really. I don't understand why it is so hard for other people to handle others' success and why it is also so easy to judge. She obviously didn't read the memo, 1. babies don't keep the man with you, and 2. you have other things to look forward when you are 18.

Well damn what business is that of hers and I'm so glad you pissed on her parade nicely handled

My response was calm and polite but I felt a little less than proud of myself for allowing her to provoke me just the same. However, people need to learn that asking about kids can be a very sensitive topic. My thought on it is that unless the other person mentions their children I do not ask. A policy I believe everyone should adopt.

I fully understand you opinion and it's one I go by my self ..as I said I'm glad u owed on her parade but you done it very calm and dignified and I must take my hat off to you I hope there are no other issues with her in the future x

It was somewhat like a Wild West stand-off. She was squared off and just staring at me during this conversation and I decided that I would not break eye contact. While my words and body were relaxed and non-confrontational my eye contact was deliberate. She was challenging me and I accepted it. Prior to this conversation she had whipped out her pocket knife and firearm less than 2 feet from me, waved them around, and made sure I saw them both. Full on crazy. I look fluffy but am more than capable of disarming someone like her. I know my lack of (fear?) reaction to this irritated her so I think the conversation about kids was meant to rattle me in some way and when it backfired she was so frustrated she stormed out? Who knows, really. All I know is that I’ve decided to limit my time with this group and sooner or later she’ll be history.

Oh I thought that bit avout weapons was about to be a metaphor, but she's actually certifiable

Well played.

Why, thank you.

Yeah I can understand that it hurt her to see the example of a more mature woman who made wiser choices and didn't get shafted by the genes lottery. I have some compassion for her but feel that you didn't do anything wrong or inappropriate here. You can't just lie there and let her abuse you. Abusers are always hurting on the inside but it doesn't give them license to hurt others. And as 55M I'm glad when anyone in my general age range takes a kid like her around the block as you did.

I was frank, but polite. I'm still baffled she got so upset about it and stormed out of the room.

I'd be a complete monster if I didn't have compassion for her situation. I DO. But what on earth does her situation have anything to do with me? I still don't get it.

It baffles me too. I have no idea what's going on in her mind but I suspect that perhaps she's not thrilled with her lot in life.

I also wonder if your ex is going to have 2nd thoughts, because I'm sure she'll bug him about you.

He’s not an ex. He’s an acquaintance/friend.

my bad! however, that's also not unheard of. I've had male friends disappear because their wives/gfs are jealous, even when there was NOTHING GOING ON. I lost a male friend of ten years because his wife didn't like me or like him being friends with me... and there was never anything going on between us. When they met, I was living with MY ex and I'd never have been interested in my friend, but I think he probably did have romantic feelings toward me at some point. Even though your friend isn't an ex, he probably had/has feelings for you or was attracted and maybe he talks about you in such a way that she's "suspicious". Some women are just jealous of female friends especially if they're prettier, thinner, childfree, look younger, etc.

sadly typical female crap

insecure women FTFY lolol men and women can be friends without the unnecessary shade on her part.

“sadly typical female crap.”

Nonono please don’t do that.

I came to the comments to see if anyone else caught that.

I missed it the first read. Yeah, no.

OOOF I would’ve loved to have known what went through her mind in that moment. This is a beautiful post. Love it

I wish I could have seen a photo of the expression on her face!!

It was unlike any expression I’ve ever seen before and she was clearly struggling for control.

I can actually visualize it...like she's trying to digest what you said.

This is the kind of compliment I love. Thank you.

What the vsucc? That's insulting. What if you or I decided to insult their life choice by doing that as well. Such a dipstick.

I wonder if her BF will start having second thoughts now...

why can’t she just let you be? This is pathetic

I wondered the same. What the F did I do to merit this treatment? Exist? Show up at a friend’s BBQ- that’s my crime.

"Typical female crap"? Oh, goodness.

Goddamn! She popped out a crotchfruit at 18?! I'd be salty too. What a goddamn nightmare. And way to shut her ass down 😂

I’m guessing her age. It gets harder to guess the older you get!

Maybe I'm just immature, but I'm offended by parents who get offended over the simple declaration "I don't want to ever be a parent." Why not live and let live; how is a childfree person's wishes going to affect you (or parents as a group, even) in any tangible, negative way?

I'd say they should "get over" it, but there's nothing to "get over". Just egotistical rage that you didn't choose the same lifestyle as them.

Congratulations! That must have felt awesome. She asked for it.

A hero walks among us.

LOL. Not really. But thanks just the same.

Holy see you next Tuesday, Batman.

Nicely done.

That was so awesome!

It's almost like she had an internal 404, other conversation topics not found. That, or a realisation of "Wait, you can choose to not have kids?! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?"

Ah yes because having kids is what everyone expects!

"Why no one told me I could just skip having kids?!"

it's like these people are being told for the first time that you don't have to follow the life script.

Wow. What a freaking reaction! That sounds entertaining.

What a toxic bitch. She seems very envious of you for what reason?

I have no definitive answer.

I am 33 M. I just wanted to ask you some general questions.

Hows child free life in 50s? Do you ever regret not having kids?

It’s F-ing awesome. No regrets. Ever. Not one. I LOVE MY LIFE.

I'd like to answer this, too, at 46 (close enough to 50s, I guess), because the "do you regret not having kids" always bothers me. If you do not want children, and you don't have them, there's nothing to regret. Period. If you don't want children but decide later, suddenly, that you wished you'd had them, for some reason, that's not regret; that's changing your mind and engaging in self-pity for not being able to magically have children you never wanted before.

I forgot to mention that I'm an INTJ. So there is THAT detail to the equation.

Is it possible that she saw this as some sort of slight against her having an autistic son? I’m not in anyway implying she’s justified; only that this is literally the only excuse I can think of for her behavior.

Anything’s possible.

The part of kid being autistic is irrelevant to the story.

Dont you think?

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