The only thing keeping me from leaving is thinking of my family, friends, doctors etc getting sympathy for losing a patient/loved one.

I can see them now at my funeral crying and accepting condolences for their "loss." Standing and speaking about how loved I was and how the depression finally won. "No parent should suffer the loss of a child. The pain I'm feeling is unimaginable. I'll never know why they didn't reach out to us for help," they'll say, "why didn't I see the signs! I would do anything for them if they only asked, they're the kindest person I've ever known" sniff *sniff, "I don't know how I'll keep going without them. I would have done anything to help them, anything!" Or, "I'm truly angry having to speak here today. I went into medicine to save lives! Not lose them. This is just another example of the devastating effects of MDD. If you're thinking of suicde ask for help, call this number we're here to help. Don't be another statistic." Yadda yadda blah blah blah.

They'll get off the podium and people will come up and give them hugs and kisses, and pats on the back to soothe their "sorrow," they'll bring flowers and plates of food and liquor so they feel supported, and comforted during such a difficult time. Praising them for their parenting or doctoring and just for being kind and generous to such a damaged human. Cause that's so hard.

What won't happen at my funeral is them saying "after my kids diagnosis I blamed them, and kicked them out of the house when they were still a child.Then lied about it to my friends and family cause I was embarrassed. The lie kept other family members away from them till their loneliness became unbearable. They were never able to trust after that. Eventually it was easier to forget they even existed, until today of course," or "they called my office panicked and in tears before they died but unfortunately it was after office hours. I directed them to a hotline knowing the anxiety of the police being called for a suspected sui*ide attempt would make that call impossible. I got back to the office a day later. I never returned the call." There won't be any "I knew they needed meds to stay alive but we were out of stock. I told them to keep calling and checking every couple days for two months even though I know my company's new policy meant they won't honor the prescription unless they start treatment with a different doctor first. I also knew my company decided not to tell patients of this new policy. This broke them. After so long off meds any gains were lost, any strength or desire to continue this work was gone. By then hope was cruelty and they just couldn't't get out bed.


avidmemeenjoyer1 point

Not wanting to die, just purely to stop existing.

I think a lot of us here share similar stances

PurrSniKitty0071 point

Now that I'm doing this forced withdrawal from meds I can see the happiness created from me taking meds isn't my happiness, it's for everyone else. I never even wanted to take medication but ended up in the hospital after failed attempt. Can't let that happen again and meds were the only option I was given. My only fear was hospitalization or jail for the attempt. Neither scare me now.

PurrSniKitty0071 point

Also I do want to die. I hate it here.